Saturday, December 08, 2007

10:00 (or later!)

I probably shouldn't tell tales about my husband, but there is one situation that I've learned to live with that I have never been happy about. Since I stand sort of between two cultures I'm not really sure if I have grounds to complain or not and since we've been married 27 years obviously I've adjusted my thinking.

What time would you say is a reasonable time for a husband to come home after work? In my family, Tetsu leaves for work around 8:00 in the morning and his return time is around 10:30 at night. Doesn't this seem odd to you? When I was a child my father left before the rest of the family woke up and was home around 4:00. My brother too, leaves in the morning while it is still dark but he too can be home by 4:00. In my brother's case, this means he and his wife can go shopping together, he can do the duties of taking the kids to softball and soccer practice etc. and the family often goes out to dinner together. If nothing else, this is typically Californian.

When Tetsu and I were first married he worked in an office and he was one of the underlings. He was never able to leave the office before 9:00 at night and I found this very difficult to understand but his explanation was,

"Tanya, how could you expect a mere office person to leave from work before the office manager! No way!"

So I kept quiet. As we were transferred around the county Tetsu worked in various offices and it was always the same. Quite a few years later when he had moved up in the company, I'd question why he worked until 9:00 or 10:00 and his response was,

"Tanya, how could you expect someone who is supposed to train and be an example to the inexperienced to leave from work before his underlings! No way!"

It seems anyway you look at it Tetsu is going to work until late at night.

The most difficult years for me were when the kids were little and it was no longer what I could or could not put up with. Now the whole issue included his not being part of raising a family. He was never home! The kids and I would eat alone every night and they'd get a glimpse of dad in the morning before they went to school. I felt like a single mother without the wear and tear of making a living financially.

This situation is not limited to just my family. Of course there are Japanese families where the father is around more, but I think the majority of Japanese men work very long hours and leave the raising of the children, the keeping of the house, the budgeting and the taking care of elderly parents entirely to the wife. Husbands and wives do not go out together as a couple. Men have their business associates to do things with, women have freedom to go out to lunch with women friends or follow their own hobbies while the kids are at school. Occasionally on a Sunday the family will have time together but husbands call this "required service to the family" and with sighs and guffaws they'll explain to their co-workers that they can't go golfing or out drinking because they have to put in family time.

You can see why this can cause some stress in a marriage especially when the husband is Japanese and the wife foreign, with different expectations. Tetsu doesn't drink nor play golf so usually I decide I have little cause for complaint since he is devoting his time completely to supporting us. Still... By the way, today is Saturday but he is off at work. And most holidays Tetsu works too.

I have to count my blessings though because many of my friends' husbands work for a major company in the city and they work until the early hours of the morning! This means that except for once a week on the weekend, the wife never has to prepare a meal for her husband. The company provides all meals in the corporation's cafeteria. The husbands claim the food is pretty good too! And my friends can cook something simple that the kids like so no one really complains.

Another thing I'd have a hard time handling is the situation where the company transfers the husband to another city or another country and the family is left while the husband goes off for four or five years! Of course there are business trips back so the husband can make a pit stop at his own home every few months but I don't think I'd last long with a family life like that!

Now that Tetsu and I are in our 50s and the kids are both out of the house I'm back to my own level of accepting the situation or occasionally making noise about the lack of time we spend together as a couple. Granted, because of Tetsu's late hours this means that I can teach in the evenings until 8:30 and I don't have to worry about getting a meal ready for him the minute the students leave. And honestly speaking, some of my grumblings are determined by my own moods. There are loads of times when I am quite happy that I have all those late evening hours free because it means that much more sewing time!

13 comments:

Elaine Adair said...

My word, woman! I would HATE it! But then, you are in another country!

My DH left at 6:30 am (electrical superintendant for the City) but was home for lunch (45 minutes) and home at 4:30 pm. Occasionally, he would be called out on Emergencies. His 'short' day is/was NOT the usual, but everyone I've heard of is 'off' at 5:00 pm, unless they are on shift work.

Hours worked over 40/wk. are considered "overtime" -- even for some managers -- and is to be compensated, usually at time and half (150%) - a HUGE expense if it's not absolutely necessary. Or, instead of financial compensation, it's time off, or other 'perks'.

Lazy Gal Tonya said...

oh that's awful. I was just watching a CNN news report about a Japanese man in his 30's who had a heart attack and his wife was sueing to prove it was from overwork. From your description, sounds like those kind of horrible hours are standard.

Nour said...

Very interesting blog. Thankyou! I am american married to a syrian arab living in saudi arabia. My husbie leaves for work at 9 am comes home for a short lunch and siesta from 3 to 4:30 and goes back to work until 10:30 at night! It leaves a lot of time for quilting because, like you, I have 2 children studying in the US!

Clare said...

I feel for you. Similar situation when Alex was little and DH was working miles away. Never used to get home much before 9.00 pm and, for some reason, the habit of late suppers has stuck. I'd ask Tetsu to read Tonya's comment!

anne bebbington said...

A friend of ours had a colleague who had worked in Japan and he said that working men were frowned on by the general public if seen on the transport systems going home before about 9pm each evening. I certainly couldn't live like that - we had long periods when ours were small that Nigel worked away during the week but this was because he couldn't find permanent work near home. I would never choose to be a single parent but it often felt like it was thrust upon me. He's a transport manager so has always worked from 7 or 8 in the morning until at least 6.30-7 in the evening, with unpaid overtime because he's management grade - those are the usual hours transport offices operate with daytime staff and then he would get calls through the night. Of course if he was travelling up to an hour each way to work this made for a very long day and he saw precious little of our three when they were younger. I was always very envious of friends whose husbands were teachers and who worked shorter hours with much longer holidays. In the UK we're pretty lucky with most people working a 37 hour week on basic time and generally 5 weeks off plus bank holidays (about 6 or 8 per year) At one time Nigel worked for a US software company for driver scheduling and they said that 2 weeks per year plus statutory holidays was standard in the US and couldn't believe how much the Brits get. I feel getting a 'work/life balance' is extremely difficult and often the breadwinner, be they male or female, has to compromise this in order to provide for their family. Something to be said for running off to a remote island and living self-sufficiently!

Quilt Pixie said...

I always find it interesting to hear how various people cope with spouses' work schedules.... When I was married I felt "unimportant" and "low on the priority scale" if my spouse wasn't home in the evenings and on the weekends and work or friends were "more important" than family.... It wasn't that my spouse wasn't home (since as a single parent now I'm on my own) but rather where I felt I fit in the priorities of life...

Shelina said...

I've seen a show - I think it was 60 minutes that showed Japanese people working all these long hours. I think it was mostly about students though - how they would get to school early and leave very late. I figured that is why Ayaka was so used to sleeping whenever she was in the car.

Shelina said...

When I was working (salaried), they required us to work at least an hour extra everyday. I think there are class action lawsuits now that make these types of employers pay overtime (retroactive) to people they made work overtime.

andsewitis Holly said...

Yah, I wouldn't like that, either, Tanya. Now in my case, I only get about an hour of "alone" time before my husband gets home because our work schedules are the same. I could use a little more alone time :)

Luna said...

Oh Tanya, that is unbelievable! My first thought was : what will you do if he is Pensioners and he is all the time at home.He will be bored...
I know it to be like a single mom because my husband has shift work. He build German cars. Sometimes he works at night, at evening or in the morning you know ? Sometimes in 9 hours or in 7 hours or he is not at home for 11 hours. Over the week and on saturday sometimes.When the kids were younger it was hard.
But I don´t like it if he is at home in the morning, because I can´t do homework...
he disturbs me in the morning :-)
You make the best of it!

peggy said...

During the child raising years, and until recently, my pilot husband traveled the world, sometimes for 2-6 weeks at a time. It was always hard to adjust my schedule and the kids when Dad got home. It also made for some differences in parenting styles. We all survived. Now we're older and just the two of us. He's gone for shorter periods which I now enjoy, so there's more sewing and creative time.

Hang in there!

Katie said...

Hmmmm.... and they say Americans are workaholics. Kind of sad really, wherever it happens.

atet said...

Wow -- I can completely understand your frustration. I know part of it is cultural, but still. It would be nice to spend more time together. Then again -- there is all that extra time for sewing!