Wednesday, August 20, 2008

.....

Right now I am in a slump and I know exactly the reason why and I know it is not reasonable and I know I will be out of it in a couple of days. I hate to think I have a phobia but I do and I don't even know what kind to call it! Right now I am angry with the world in general, my stomach is tied in knots, I am afraid to go out of my house. I am even a bit angry at God for throwing this problem into my life when I have asked Him not to. And it is a small problem. I know that. The advice from a friends is to forget it, close your eyes, don't get yourself worked up, stop thinking that a storm of similar problems is coming your way. It could, but it probably won't.

So, do you want to know what has turned my life upside down in two days. If you know me pretty well (my kids if they read this will know immediately. I hate that too. That I am so predictable) you will know we have a new animal in the house. I don't even understand why I can't be happy about this. I love animals! And it isn't even having a new one that bothers me. It is the unreasonable fear that if I give in to one then I will give in to the next and the next and the next one that comes my way.

Last week a kitten was killed on the small road not far from my house. I didn't know it had been there and I don't know if I would have helped it if I had known. Sometimes I hurry away in another direction if I see or hear a dog or cat that needs help. I hate myself for that too. I know that dogs that go to the pound are put down in four days. Tetsu and I no longer call the pound if a lost dog is about. I also know that cats are put down within 24 hours. There is no cat rescue system. So it is hopeless to take cats to the pound. If we ignore them they have a slim chance of living through the dangers of traffic or starvation or crows and eating frogs to stay alive.

Anyway I have been sad about the kitten that I never knew dead on the road. But I can't change that and I can't go around feeling guilty because someone else left it in the forest to fare for itself. The creeping feeling of sadness I've managed to keep at bay and I've concentrated on other things. Thank you Lord. Help me to accept the things I cannot change.

Then Monday evening after I'd put Choco in the house, a sudden soft mewing, barely distinguishable from the crickets chirping in the forest and the crows cawing overhead. But the cats knew and they flew to the windows and ran up and down the stairs, and in a panic I went to the window. There next to Choco's doghouse, just next to the fence, a small grey-brown ball making as much noise as it could. A tiny kitten. What could I do? I know. I should close the window or get in the car and drive away and hours later it would be gone, probably into the woods alone, maybe carried away by a crow. But I can't. I called Tetsu. I sobbed that there was a kitten outside the window and immediately he said. "Ok. If it's in the yard see if you can catch it. It's okay. Don't get upset about it."

It wasn't a matter of if I could catch it, it was trembling and wouldn't move. I scooped it up and put it in a cat transport box (the same one I'd carried Lemi in in February. I noticed I hadn't changed the towel in it.) I couldn't really even look at the poor thing. I'd picked it up. Until then it wasn't mine but since I'd reached out to it, now it was. Slip some milk into the box. It sat in the bowl not knowing what to do. I sat in my chair not knowing what to do.

Tetsu came home within the hour and bounced into the house cheerfully. "Where is the little thing? Let's see the new family member!" He proceeded to clean it up and feed it with a syringe. "Three cats, four cats, it doesn't matter. Cheer up. We'll all be living happily together in a couple of weeks." I wonder about that. Cleo and Patora have not come down once and won't eat. Vel is concerned enough to check out the stranger but hisses and bats at it. Choco I'm afraid to let anywhere near it. One gulp and that would be the end and remember Choco doesn't like cats. So my life has gotten very complicated overnight.



Yesterday I took the kitten to my vet. Ah... he says knowingly. He has scolded me before about trying to save all the pitiful animals that come by my house. His thinking is that I can't expect to save all of them, that I need to set a limit in my mind. He thinks people know I have a soft spot and that's why they leave animals near my house.


Our little one is a girl. Very healthy. Maybe 6 weeks old. Not very good at drinking milk or eating cat food but can lick off the milk that she sits in. She's been given worm medicine and been disinfected from fleas and ticks that she might have picked up but I don't think she was out in the big world all that long anyway. She's still living in the cat box until I can make more of a home for her. She has no name yet.


As for me, suddenly all the noises I hear in the forest are more mewings. All the movement it the bushes are more animals searching for my house. All my own animals' sudden starts or turns or barkings are the result of a sound or sight that I can't discern. I look out the windows but I'm afraid to go out for fear of what I'll find. I peer at people walking past my house and wonder if they are the ones who left the kitten or know who did. I'm angry at people who throw out their unwanted animals and know that this is not so unusual in Japan. Even my neighbors do it. They are not bad people they just don't find newborn kittens and puppies much more than a nuisance so throw them away. Maybe the animals will be lucky enough to be picked up by someone like me. But where does that leave me? You see, I am beyond this one little kitten that found its way to (or was dropped into) my yard.


And something even more ridiculous is that in less than 24 hours I have lost my heart and do not want to find a new owner for it. That's the other problem. The animals I pick up I cannot let go even if there is someone that might take them (there hardly ever is). I picture myself sitting in an overstuffed chair with hundreds of cats and dogs perched everywhere in the house and people talking about that nutty cat and dog lady. But right now I'm not laughing.

So... We have a new family member. Trying to think of names. I need to go change my blog profile back to "I live with my husband, 4 cats and a dog."

22 comments:

Diane said...

Oh Tanya, you recieved a gift! Look at her that way, she is a gift. Take her and love her and be happy. Try not to worry about what other people do, you can't change them, only God can.
I can't wait to find out what you name her.

June said...

Your new kitten is beautiful. After I repeatedly said "no more cats", I have a new kitten in our household this summer. The mother rejected it, and I am sensitive to that. There is always a reason that things happen. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband & that he is very supportive. You are a lucky person. God Bless!

campbellgirl said...

Bless you for taking in this little kitty, Tanya. People can be so cruel when it comes to unwanted kittens and puppies, it's a wonderful thing to find someone who cares. I know we can't save them all but each little life that is saved is so very precious.

LindaL said...

She's so cute. You lost Lemi and this kitten found you, it's meant to be. I've never chosen a cat for myself, one just turns up when I need one, and it's always one that needs a home. I'd name yours "Mindy."
That's just the name that popped into my head when I saw her.

Jeannie said...

Oh Tanya, I know what you mean. I think stray animals have a secret sign posted somewhere in our yard (like hobos during the depression) that says that I am a softie, will give them food, and love. I have 3 cats who all found there way to me and I have found homes for too many others. I always feel like my heart is breaking when one leaves for their new home. You aren't alone and maybe that is one of our purposes in life - too help those who can't help themselves. She is adorable and I know the name will come to you.

SplendiferousFiber said...

I'm right there, too. Right after I said we have enough cats already, my son went to get out the lawn mower a week and a half ago and heard a noise coming from the wheel well of his dad's car. By the time he got the keys and popped the hood, the kitten was sitting on the engine block, and had probably visited everything it could get to under the hood. It was covered with grease and fleas, so after an emergency bath, father and son went to the pet store and found a bottle and powdered infant formula for cats. I was on my way to a meeting 2 hours away and missed the whole thing. By the time I got home, they had done internet research, decided it was about 4 weeks old, probably female, and needed a box with a heating pad on low under part of it. The bottle lasted less than 2 days before she chewed it apart. She learned to lap kitten milk and is now eating dry kitten food mixed with formula and water. We suspect that the mom is a stray and turned her back for just a minute...kitten is very curious and is into everything, just like having a toddler again. The 2 grown cats are rather disgruntled, especially the one who fancies himself to be alpha cat. We have a local radio show about pets, and the experts day it may be 6 months to make the adjustment. Don't give up, just pay extra attention to the older ones (just like bringing home the new baby all over again)! You can't feed the world, but this one looks pretty loveable.

Wendy in Louisiana

kate said...

She's adorable! Has markings similar to our Maggie. Some day she'll grow into her ears. She's so cute!!!! Enjoy ☺

Amanda said...

Oh poor you, what a dilemma. I know that some cultures don't value animals in the same way that others do, but it 's hard to understand. You just have to hope that not too many more strays find their way into your home and heart. The kitten really is very cute though.

anne bebbington said...

She is gorgeous - you were obviously meant to have her - I'm sure eventually all your animals will co-exist perfectly. No real idea on names, my last cat was a grey and they're my absolute favourites we called him Mouse short for Mousehound!

Sew Create It - Jane said...

She so sweet...I know it must be hard to think of another cat in the family so close to the loss of another...but she looks right at home. Besides...it sounds like it's Tetsu that claimed her...so really the decision was made for you ;o) Guess you and her were in the right place at the right time and well if things happen for a reason you just have to accept it. Hope you'll keep posting pictures of her progress...I for one never tire of kitty pictures.

artfilstitch said...

Tanya,
God is smiling down on you and Tetsu today because you have shown kindness to his little creature. It is hard to understand how someone could be so cruel to animals or other people for that matter. Your little girl is precious and she will bring much love to your family. "Little Orphan Annie", I might would call her Annie.
Blessings to you and Tetsu!

harts4Him said...

Bless your sweet heart. I have a friend like you who laments over unwanted, unloved animals. I understand your heartbreak. Don't let the enemy use your gift of compassion against you. Be you! It's beautiful! Welcome home new kitty.
Vanessa

Diannia said...

Hi...she's adorable! Looks like you're lost...hook, line and sinker!

Katie said...

What a darling kitten. I saved two kittens many years ago. They were about 4 or 5 weeks old and their mother had been killed on the road. I had the male for 20 years and his sister lived with my daughter in PA until the kitty died at age 19. They gave such joy and comfort to both our families, as I'm sure your new addition will to your family. Why don't people neuter their animals? This is the only way to stop the problem. I also think it is more humane to kill unwanted animals than to let them suffer on their own. We used to get a lot of drop offs as I live in a semi- rural area. I'd be driving home and there would be a kitten or dog standing by the road waiting for the people to come back and pick them up. I never could just leave them there. If they had no identification, which they never did, we took them to the pound where I'm sure most of them were euthanized . At least they had a humane death. Some people think this is cruel but I think deserting an animal is much worse. I'm not afraid of death and this probably effects my belief.

Nancy said...

She is awfully sweet, Tanya. Annie is a good name.

I'd love to get another kitten; I almost wish God would send one to our doorstep because Joe doesn't want me to go to the SPCA to adopt one . . . .

BethanyQuilt said...

I was OK until that last photo - she is adorable - how could you resist? She was probably placed there just so you would find her - and I love Tetsu's reaction. So don't agonize, just enjoy!

Mary said...

Tanya, she's so sweet looking I don't know how you could resist rescuing her. I was talking to someone today about their dog that has a heart problem - there's one vet school/hospital in the US that is doing heart transplants on DOGS - can you believe it? We talked a little bit about where do you draw the line when it comes to your pets. I know there are many animals in this country in need of homes - we *inherited* Chesty from Keith's parents when he was one year old and I really didn't want a pet but I couldn't see him just being discarded because Keith's Mom was tired of caring for him. I love him to death and would do pretty much anything for him but I don't know if I would take in other animals. They are SO much work!!!

I admire you so much for giving a home to this sweet little kitten.

Mart Bright said...

Tanya,

Oh how I empathize with you!!! I have seven cats--the latest one I found by the road here when I was running so I kept her in the barn, HAD to get a friend for her from the shelter--then one got hurt, into the house they come to join the other FIVE. My husband is like yours--bless their hearts!! And bless yours, for loving little helpless creatures. Yes, I often picture myself the way you do... we shall see!

Lazy Gal Tonya said...

It was hard to live in Cairo too with all the stray cats and dogs. heartbreaking. Although at the time I was kicking myself for taking in those two tiny kittens I so didn't need, now I'd do anything for Lily and Pokey. What a cutie pie you've got there. I couldn't get Pokey to eat anything, but finally figured out to put canned cat food into a blender with some water and whiz it all together. It was disgusting, but the kittens could eat it. It took awhile before she could eat the dry kitten chow soaked in hot water. The two little ones spent lots of time hiding under sofas when they were little... now all four get along great. Boy kittens are gorgeous. She looks like a Widget to me.

Diane said...

I'd name her "Orphan."

The Calico Quilter said...

Bless you, dear Tanya, for saving this small life. I firmly believe that animals are included in the admonishment that "whatever you do for the least of these you do for me." (Matt.25:39) It is a true measure of the heart of a person how they treat defenseless animals. Be patient, give everyone time. Your peaceful home will be OK. And don't worry about her name. She will let you know.

andsewitis Holly said...

Hi Tanya,

I feel the way you do about animals. My heart breaks for them more than for most people. Animals have no voice. My daughter adopted an orphaned kitten a couple weeks ago tinier than yours I think. It had to be bottle fed. Survived a week but could not make the adjustment to formula. Oh did I cry and plead with God to let her live. Been in a bit of a funk since her death. No sigh, tear, or circumstance is ever wasted with God, though. He'll always turn it around for our good. She wasn't even mine but I loved her in that one short week as though she were. You are a wonderful person!!