Our day yesterday was pretty normal on the outside. Another tandem shower (normal maybe by Japanese standards), a trip to the doctors then a trip to K-mart. An afternoon nap (book reading for me), a trip to the library. A treat at Jamba Juice, a shopping spree. It was a great day yesterday!The windows come in because so much of what we do is determined by whether my mother is willing (and able) to do things.
"Grandma, do you want to take a shower with me again?"
"Sure."
What? Okay, quick! A window is open! The other day Grandma said the same thing but 5 minutes later when I was stripping her down she suddenly did NOT want to take a shower and she made a lot of fuss about it despite the tickling feet episode. Not that she fights us... just a lot of sighs and pouting and mumbling.
So when my mother is willing I take all the opportunities I can get! A nice mother-daughter shower that she said "feels good!" and we were ready for a visit to the doctors.
If nothing else, my mother is a pretty cheerful old lady. Her favorite comment when she meets anyone, whether for the first time or in the morning is
"That is such a pretty shirt."
and she will finger the material like she's discovered gold. If a man is wearing a tie she will make the same comment about his tie. Marcy says to Grandma,
"Come on, Grandma we've got to go to Dr. J's office today and see what tie he's wearing."
And even Dr. J, when Grandma oohed and aahed about his tie yesterday, said
"I will know when something is really wrong with you when you stop commenting about my ties." (He was wearing a pink and purple paisley tie yesterday.)
After the doctor's visit it was off to K-Mart to buy Grandma her $5 shoes (she won't wear anything else). Since they were on sale we bought her 4 pairs (I'm afraid they get "soiled" easily...)
"I don't need 4 pairs of shoes! (yes you do, since everyday two pairs go in the wash) I'll be dead before I ever wear out 4 pairs of shoes!"
At age 90 that could be true...
And I have to remember that my mother is almost 90. How could that be? She shuffles along with her walker... Slowly trying to maneuver it through the aisles... stopping to finger things but forgetting what we are doing in the store anyway. Why is the dang shoe department so far away! And don't these stores have wheelchairs for people (almost all stores do in Japan.... even supermarkets!) Or a bench so that a person can take a rest?
"I'm tired." "I'm dizzy." "Let's go home." and my mother rests her head on her forearms leaning against her walker. Shopping is too much for her... The window has closed and she looks ancient and ready to be carted away right there and then.
Once back home I offer her food but she only takes a bite of anything. I am surprised at how little she eats. Take up a Grandma diet and I would be slim and trim in 5 days!
But in the afternoon, Grandma opened a window again.
"Mother, I'm going to the library. Do you want anything?" Grandma used to be a great reader. Nowadays she keeps a book by her side but will no longer open it.
"Library? I haven't been to the library in ages. Maybe I'll pick out a book too!"
Window open! Grandma wants to go to the library! I grab her purse and my purse and yell out the window in the direction of the main house that we are going to the library. I need to get Grandma out before she closes that window on me!
We picked out books (she from afar while sitting at a table). As we were getting back in the car I suggested going to get something cold to drink and Grandma was game! Off to Jamba Juice.
With anything edible, it is a waste of food and money to buy Grandma anything. She takes three sips through her straw and says she's done. This is true with meals too. She'll accept a plate but will only eat a tiny bit. The first three days here that would annoy me. Why does she order anything if she isn't going to try to eat it? But I realized yesterday that I am paying for a few minutes of mother-daughter time... a few minutes of normal California life... a few minutes of how days of yesteryear were... not a Jamba Juice. We enjoyed ourselves out under the sun umbrella, watching people and cars go by, reveling in the cool breeze and the icy paper cup..."Mother, we are right here by the mall. Do you want to look at clothes?"
This is pushing it a bit. How long will this window stay open?
"No. You'll have more fun shopping with Marcy. You go later."
"Okay... but if I go with you, then I know that YOU'LL pay for it!"
This brought gales of laughter from her.
"Then let's go... If it doesn't get too extensive."
"Extensive or expensive?"
"Both!" more laughter from both of us. What a lovely time together.We found a shirt for Grandma. We found a shirt for me. The wonderful summer breeze flowed through the window all evening.
27 comments:
Your writing brings tears to my eyes and touches my soul in so many ways.
This is a wonderful post Tanya, and reminds me of my times with my mother in the last year of her life. Her most favourite thing was to go somewhere and eat ice cream, and then she'd talk to us, talk about times in her past, times in my past. But then, far too soon, the window would close and she wouldn't know who I was. Perhaps until the next ice cream.
Tanya, what a beautiful post that will be an even grater treasure someday in the future. Your story so reminds me of my Father and his days here with us.
How I wish I could still take my Dad for a ride in the car....
Big hugs,
Lois
What a beautiful, touching post ... and what memories it brings to me. My mom has been gone 6 years now, but it could have been yesterday that we had days like the one you describe. Thank you!!!
Your post should be read by anyone who has an elderly parent. My parents are gone. I'm afraid I don't have much patience with my mother-in-law. But just last week I watched my sister-in-law talking to her and was in awe of how good they were together. Its how I would have been with MY mother, if she hadn't been taken much too soon.
Much love to you. Give your mom an extra hug from me and tell her someone in Northern Indiana thinks she's grand.
Carol
Beautiful post, Tanya. Oh...I would give anything to have just one more cup of tea with my Mother.
Best regards from
Gail in Wa State
This should have come with a tissue warning, Tanya! I hope those windows stay open! I love that picture of you two so much.
Thank you for such a touching post. I had a tear thinking about my grandma and how her last year was. She passed at 92 after a long and happy, healthy life which is the best we can all hope for. Enjoy your time with your Mom.
Bless you for the insight x
Tanya, this post really touched me. You are so gentle and patient with your mom. Makes me feel like I need to change just a bit. My mom is in her 70's, but is getting forgetful. I need to have more patience with her. Bless you and your mom. I hope you find many more windows before your visit ends.
What a lovely day! Thanks for sharing your special time with your mom.
Aw, Tanya, thank you for this share, and the way it blesses those of us who wish we still had the opportunity. I loved the view into your momma's window ~
:-}pokey
My Mum died when she was 76, way too young.I missed so much of her later years.My MIL lives with us, and is 97,but has memory loss, is slow, is very short of breath,needs a lot of care.Your time will be sad, your times will be glad, just make the most of what window might be open that day.Take care of yourself in all of this.Love your words and your story,relates to every daughter anywhere.Love and the usual cheers from Jean
I just love your view of windows.....I will have to remember that as we all face or know others who are facing a slow decline.
I take a friend to do some lite shoping and we go to places like Wal-Mart, Target grocery's. These stores have power chairs so my friend can get around. She is only good for about 30 ft and then who knows when the legs will go.... I sure don't want to get her off the floor. The drug stores do not have power chaires or department stores so we don't go to those stores any longer....
Enjoyed this window of shopping.... thanks for sharing.
I loved your 'windows'. It means even more since I lost my daddy a few years ago. At least I have great memories. You are making great memories. Enjoy your trip.
Dear Tanya,
Such a wonderful picture; the windows that opens and close. I've seen what you describe in my work and I have experienced it in my private life. I'm glad that you have the opportunity to spend time with your mother.
Ida in Sweden
My mom's windows were only mornings. But how very sweet they were ~~
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing these stories.
I love the picture of you two together. You are so lucky to be able to travel there for a visit.
My precious mother-in-law lived to be 98 and had some days where she was down but others where she was completely there, a shining star. I always wondered what decided those moments.
It's lovely reading about your mother. I hope you have many more windows!
What a wonderful daughter you are..and in order to be that what a wonderful Mom she was and is!! I wish I had had more of those moments with my own Mom! This is a post to be treasured, Tanya!
Have a wonderful visit!
What about a walker with wheels and a seat? They are made so you can push it with her seated! Kind of like a mini wheelchair. Probably can be rented to try out as well.
Your post was well written and chockfull of love.
Thank you!
Your mother looks wonderful, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
I read your post with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. My mother is still a very active 88 but I see changes happening and I wonder how long she will be herself. We are all facing the same trials. Bless you and bless your mother, and I hope that your visit goes well for both of you. And happy birthday Tensu!!!!
Oh, Tanya,what a blessing to read this post. Am so happy you had a few open windows, and pray for many more during your visit. Hugs & prayers for open windows....Pat in IN....
I love the phrase of the windows being open. Your mother does very well and looks so beautiful in these photographs.
I remember my gran having some trouble keeping up, but keeping up she did, until the last year or so of her life ( She was nearly 87 when she passed away). Fortunately she had very good health for most of the last part of her life and she was still a pretty sharp lady.
It is so nice that you are able to spend time with her and build your memory bank of mother and daughter time together.
Tetsu is pretty wonderful too for supporting your time with your family.
Keep enjoying those windows of time.
I am soon going to see my mother in law who has Alzheimers.Her windows are cloudy and she has lost most of her ability to communicate unfortunately. I do not expect that she will recognize me or know me, but it is important for us to go. Unfortunately, She lives in a care facility that is 1000 miles away from us. My husband's sister lives in the same city. We wish that there might be a short window open that she might recognize her sons who will be there for their sister's wedding. It is a difficult illness- Alzheimer's. We know that my MIL is well cared for and liked in her living situation. A slight crack in the window might be nice during our visit.
Warmest regards,
Anna
Such a wonderful post. Reminds me of my own mother's last couple of years. I tried to see her for several days each month (it was a very expensive plane ride away)and for such small moments. But it was so worth every cent and every minute. All I have now are memories of all we did together and all she did for me over the years.
Tanya - your writing is so succinct - I showed this post to my eldest Sarah who heads back to a hospital placement in three weeks time before starting the second year of her physiotherapy degree. She will have 5 weeks on a Neuro/Acute Stroke ward and she read your words with great interest - enjoy the windows with your mum and thanks for sharing your observations and wisdom xxx
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