My mother-in-law and I have a comfortable relationship. However... I don't know about her, but if I said all the things I wanted to, our relationship could go to pot quickly. There are times when I just have to take a couple weeks vacation from her complaining and negativeness. But... at 88, I don't expect her to change and when I show up again with nary a word about her last woes then things go smoothly for a few months. After 35 years of being my mother-in-law I've learned that she and I just have different ways of showing love.
Obachan's way of showing love is to worry.
"I've been so worried about you. I was sure you were hospitalized or dying and were keeping it from me."
And I know that Obachan must feel she is LOVED when we worry about her... so she gives us a lot of opportunities.
"I was so sick last night I was thinking of calling an ambulance. I'm sure I must be very ill."
Oh well, if I record all Obachan's favorite complaints, then this will be a very depressing post.
On the other hand...
My way of showing love is to make something for somebody. Handmade shows I've been thinking of the person, I'm giving the gift of time. However I don't think Obachan feels loved that way... Something handmade isn't necessarily something she needs or wants or can even use. Something from the store is probably of better quality and shows the sacrifice of expense.
As I say... I think Obachan and I don't communicate our love for each other very well... but in 35 years we accept each others' attempts.
For Obachan's birthday I've been crocheting a vest for her. I've been working on it for a couple of weeks. I've readjusted the size and put thought into making easy for her to put on and take off. The picture is of the vest on one of my turtlenecks.
But a handmade vest alone wasn't going to thrill her... so I bought her a lot of underpants and undershirts. It seemed something a daughter-in-law could buy her that her son couldn't... Everyone needs new underwear at the beginning of the new year.
"Happy Birthday Obachan! I know this vest isn't very warm for this season, but maybe in spring you'll be able to wear this."
"Oh, Tani-chan, you crochet so beautifully. I wonder if I'll be alive to wear it in the spring."
We made Obachan try the vest on and she complied to having her picture taken.
"Tani-chan is so sneaky with that camera. She's always taking pictures. Oh! Just look at me! I look like an old woman! When did I get so old?! No one wants to see such an old woman! I can't believe I look so old!"
"Obachan, you are 88 years old. It's okay to look like an old woman." (That was from Tetsu. I offered Obachan my lipstick before I took pictures but she didn't think that would help.)
The Meals on Wheels staff made Obachan a pretty origami card for her. Amazing what one can do with paper!
Tetsu and I visited for about an hour and Obachan was a bit more cheerful than usual. And in the evening she called me to thank me again.
"Thank you SO much for the underwear! I needed new underwear so much and didn't know who I could ask to buy me some. Tani-chan, you are so good to notice what I need."
I wonder if she'll ever wear that vest.
11 comments:
LOL, my mother just turned 88 last week - some ways they sound a lot alike! my mom goes over all her woes over and over and then starts over again even if you say "you have already told me that" 5 minutes later she is telling you again.
I love that card - it is beautiful
The Sunday dinner before my Mother-in-law died, I asked her if she could change anything in her life, what would it be, and she replied,"I am completely satisfied with my life. I wouldn't change a thing". She was my greatest treasure and I want to be like her.
She gave you a wonderful husband. You are blessed.
Old people just act that way. You are so sweet to her.
Jean in Memphis
Tanya, ignore what you can, listen to what you must, your Obachan has such character in her smiling face,lines do not tell of her age but life experiences, wisdom, and love.Her vest might not be worn, but I am sure Obachan will look at it, touch it, and know it was made with your love. Lovely photos to treasure. Christmas Greetings to you and yours from Jean and Hugh
Keeping the peace is a great gift you give to your Obachan, Tanya! I think handmade is best too but agree that lots of people think that is being cheap and would rather have something storebought. The vest is lovely! If I knew my 93 year old mother in law's size I'd buy her new underthings too--she never wants to spend any money on herself. I did go against her wishes and buy her a new outfit this Christmas. I can hear her now, "You're not supposed to buy me anything!"
It seems to be something that comes across people when they hit eighty! I'm sure that every one of our older relatives swore that they wouldn't become like that when they were younger. So I wonder how we'll fare. I certainly have more physical things to moan about now than I did ten years ago, so perhaps it will get worse and I will start to moan to people instead of keeping it under my hat as much as possible. But I think you're right about making something as a gift of love, I always make something for friends and family each year either for Christmas or birthday, often for both. But you're also right that sometimes more practical gifts will be really appreciated. A very happy Christmas to you and your family.
Aha, the two of you DO have a real bond..you knew she needed underwear, and that made her happy..she trusts you to buy her underwear...and maybe she WILL wear the vest...big hugs, Pat in IN
OOO, the card is such a beautiful piece of art..so lovely...Pat in IN
You bet she will, when your not looking! She will wear your vest and brag on you to everyone. She adores you! My mother never was openly complimentary to my face, but she bragged on me behind my back. If I got a compliment to my face, I knew I had really outdone myself!
Your so sweet and good to her! No wonder she loves you so!
I think Mary said it well. Don't worry, Obichan worries enough...I think that's her job at 88. Merry Christmas Tanya to you and your family.
I felt the same way about handmade gifts. During the time I was making something, I spent thinking of that person. I sort of quit making gifts when I noticed that they were not used or put in a garage sale or the back room. I don't think of my friends less, just make items for people who might use them more. Thanks for sharing.
cindy
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