I don't know if I really want to post this but this is what I've been thinking recently.
The other day Leiya was on chat and was very upset with college life in general. She is applying for scholarships and though I don't know what the process is, she seems to be having trouble. A frantic cry from across cyberspace.
"I haven't gotten any scholarships. What am I going to do? I think I'm going to have to take off from college for a year and work. I got a lot of scholarships for my freshman year and if I don't get any this year then how are you going to pay my college expenses?"
It wasn't until a couple of days later that Tetsu and I actually had a chance to talk with Leiya and I contemplated how we should go about reassuring her. "Don't worry. Everything will be alright." seemed too flip.
And I have no idea if everything will be alright. Trying to keep two kids in college has been a major concern but we are entering our 6th year of this and somehow we've managed so far. Not somehow. By God's grace and guidance and abundant gifts.
This is the essence of living by faith. I have no idea where the money to keep Leiya in school is going to come from. Tetsu can't take on a second job that's for sure and as an English teacher in Japan I make at least as much money as I would if I were working in an office or the supermarket or someplace. And to be perfectly honest, I like the schedule I have now. I don't WANT to work more even if I could. I make a decent amount of money for an over-the-hill housewife.
I do know that when talking with Leiya I felt very sad that she had to think about these things and that she felt responsible for not making it easier on us to pay her college fees. That doesn't seem right to me but maybe I'm from a different generation. It seems that Leiya's job; the job of the young people going to college should be to be studying. To be trying to absorb as much knowledge as they can in the 4 years. To be trying to form their own opinions and theories so that they can someday have an impact on society. Leiya shouldn't have to have financial pressures on top of her study pressures. She should leave that to her parents. We're the ones who should feel responsible for keeping her in school and if we can't it is no fault of Leiya's. But actually Tetsu and I haven't given things too much thought. Our kids just tell us when things need to be paid and we seem to find the money somewhere to pay the bills (thanks to the scholarships!) Both our kids try their best to make life easy for Tetsu and me and both Takumi and Leiya are extremely thrifty, and very grateful and it makes it easy for us to want to keep them in school.
God opens doors and performs miracles. It was a miracle that Leiya got scholarships last year in the first place. Tetsu and I never expected that at all. There just isn't that system in Japan and so when she told us that so much money had come through for her we truly thought of it as a blessing from God. If money doesn't come through this year, well, okay. We've had our blessings and not receiving more doesn't diminish the ones we've already received. If the doors close for Leiya's college, that doesn't necessarily mean that she didn't do enough or we didn't do enough. It is God leading her in another direction. Leiya's desire and Tetsu and my desires are for her to continue school but if it doesn't work out that way then I'm sure she will find that whatever way she is lead will be the right one.
So Tetsu and I tried to tell all this to Leiya when we were talking to her.
"Don't worry about it. It is not your problem. Your job is to study hard and do the classes and projects and papers that are in front of you as best you can. The money problem is OUR problem. Your thinking about it doesn't change the problem one bit. If you can apply to scholarships, fine. If they don't come through, fine. It doesn't reflect on you at all."
I don't know that Leiya felt relieved by talking with us or not. Her future is still up in the air.
And I went away from the conversation thinking, "Okay. Now it is up to us. Tetsu and I have got to figure out how we're going to pull this off. Now he and I will stay up nights trying to work out a plan."
But wait. What did I just say to Leiya.
"Don't worry about it. It is not your problem. Your job is to do what is in front of you to the best of your abilities. Don't worry about money and extra jobs and what might or might not come about. Worrying doesn't change the situation a bit. Leave it to….God. Tanya, leave it to God. He knows what you desire. He's set you all on your path already and He's taken you through this far. He is the only one who has the ability to tweak the situation. If the door closes that is okay too. It just means that there is another direction. GOD IS IN CONTROL.
My thoughts in some of the mundane problems of life. At least today. Some days I am wringing my hands and adding up figures and trying to tell God how to make our lives easier.