Over my life my mother and I have argued very little especially since I only see her a month out of every year nowadays. Our relationship stays pretty level. There is one situation however, that is growing worse and we butted horns yesterday!
I don't know when the buzzards first started circling but for quite a few years Mother gives out donations to different causes. As she gets older it doesn't matter really what the organization is. They send her address stickers or calendars or note cards and she would automatically write out a check for $10 or $15 and send it to them. She must have been on twenty or thirty mailing lists! Then the telephoning started and daily she'd get people calling asking for a donation so she'd say yes and write out a check and send it off. Now there wasn't too much I could say about that. It is her money and she felt she was helping.
A few years ago Mother began to get forgetful about sending the checks off. They'd sit on the window sill gathering dust (along with other bills that had to be paid.) Marcy was the first to notice the vast numbers of organizations that Mother was donating to and how regularly the same organization would be contacting her. "She just sent a check two weeks ago!" One summer, when I was here, we suggested that she limit her donations to four or five organizations once or twice a year in a larger amount. (Just think of the postage she'd save!) This turned out to be a very touchy subject with her and it remains so to this day.
"It's my money! I can do what I want with it! You don't have any right telling me how to spend my money!" My mother has never been short tempered or argumentative so this reaction is really out of character for her. Can you hear me retort "If you've got so much money to throw around then throw it to my kids! They've got to figure out some way to get enough money together to go to college!"
This is where I'm not sure we're morally right or not. Marcy and I decided that she should just screen all of Mother's incoming mail (Mom can't walk up to the mailbox anyway) and just give her the adds, the personal mail, the magazines and one or two charities. (Just so Mom doesn't get suspicious.) We also decided that any mail Mother sent out, if it looked like a donation, to just tear it up. So you see, we are tricking her now. Mail fraud.
The next scene in this melodrama is that the people who phoned Mom for money realized that her checks weren't coming to them so they started sending people to collect the checks. Marcy hit the roof with this one because she doesn't want strange people driving back to the house knowing where a vulnerable old lady lives not to mention two young children. Marcy and Mom have had "discussions" about this too but Mother insists that people aren't bad and Marcy is making it all up. Mom puts her checks under her doormat.
Just in the two weeks I've been here I've confiscated three checks. I've deflected two telephone calls (I'm not in the house much) and Marcy has confronted two collectors. I've found letters under the doormat from the collectors who wanted to know why the check wasn't there "as promised".
We have politely asked the collectors to stop coming. They come back. Marcy has called the organizations. Usually tape recorded messages. One organization agreed to call off their collectors. The collector showed up at 10:00 last night and was very rude about the wasted trip he made! Marcy is no longer being polite. My brother stays out of it which makes Marcy angrier. We have shown Mother that she wrote two checks to the same organization only three days apart yet she doesn't want to believe that (even with proof!) and can't even remember that she wrote the check an hour ago!
I know... I'm ranting and raving now...
So, I guess today we'll try to get a phone block on Mother's phone. She is "with it" enough to know that we're doing something behind her back but she can't figure out what. (I've disconnected the phone for now.) Marcy keeps wanting to make her understand but I think that's a hopeless and upsetting scenario. Even if Mom does understand for a couple of hours she'll forget the next day and go back to writing checks. I wondered if we could give her a packet of false checks and let her write to her heart's content but I think she still would notice if they weren't her pretty, pre-addressed checks.
When Mother realizes we're "meddling" she gets upset (like yesterday) but she forgets the incident in an hour while I toss and turn all night and can't sleep. I really hate the conniving and trickery but Keion and Marcy and I do it because we love her and we don't want her to be taken advantage of.Ok. I'm off now to sneak through her drawers and try to find a telephone bill with account numbers on it so we can stop in-coming calls... I hate this...
15 comments:
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Oh, I'm so sorry to read this, T. Your mom is reaching the point where she is a danger to herself -- to her financial security, at least. My friend is going through this with her father; she has had to screen his mail and change his telephone number and make it unlisted.
Sounds as though at the very least your mom's judgment is impaired.
These types of "charities" prey on these types of individuals and it is obscene.
I'm aching for you. And for yer Mom.
This is a very touchy subject. You are helping her out the best you can, and looking out after her best interests.
Wow, I can't believe they are sending folks to collect the checks and being that forceful about it. They must know that they are taking advantage of her. I am so sorry you and your sister are having to deal with this. Good luck!
Wow, that is unbelieveable what is happening with our older folks. Have you thought about just telling them that your Mom has passed away and there will be no more money. I do that with my Mom and the calls stop. I don't like telling a lie, but heck it has to stop.
Oh Tanya, I do feel for you over this. I know what it is like, as my mother-in-law had Alzheimers, & you cant reason with people with either that or dementia. The sad thing is, there are unscrupulous people out there who prey on people like your mother. Some of my MIL's jewelry disappeared, & was never found apparently. We didnt live in the same country, but we saw her giving things away when we visited, & knew it was not right.
In a way, it is lucky your mother forgets the confrontations so quickly. She does need protection from the predators.
just as your mother spent years protecting you from your weaknesses, its your turn to protect her now. Just as you didn't appreciate it, she likely wont. Protecting her is NOT controlling her -- encourage her to think of the charities she'd like to support and go with her to revise her will -- reassuring her you're not telling her how to spend her money, just trying to protect her from loosing it all....
Tanya, I can only hope my son will look after my well being the way you're doing for your mom. She may never understand, and like you said, if she understands now, she will not tomorrow but you are doing what's right. Too many people take advantage of anyone and everyone.
You are absolutely right to do this. These people are taking advantage of your mother. And if your mom asks about the charities, just say "Those were bad people, we found out they are crooks!" Make donations to legitimate charities and then show her the cancelled checks.
Oh dear, how awful for you. But you have to do it. :( It's unconscionable of those charities to prey on her like that. It makes you want to call the local TV station and have their names broadcast to the world.
This is horrible and it goes on way too often until the elderly involved are out of money. I can't believe they send collectors to pick up checks. You know they are not trustworthy when they will go to such lengths.
I don't know about your state, but ours has a Do Not Call list. Maybe you should change your mother's phone number and put it on the list. It is probably too late with her number that she has now because if you have given them any reason whatsoever, like donating previously, they don't have to stop calling.
Good luck. I hope you and your family can work it out.
I know I've said this before but it is so difficult when our parents get older and I'm facing some of the same issues you have been blogging about although not this one.
Yes, it must feel terrible to *trick* your Mom but you do need to protect her. So what do you do? Determine which of the charities are legitimate and yes, make sure she gets a couple of those and allow her to donate - it's obvious that she feels it's important - and then protect her from the rest.
Tanya Dear, my heart goes out to you. My grandma lived with us when I was a young girl. She was German and a tough old bird. Eventually we had to do what you describe. As she got worse she then accused us of stealing from her and hiding her money. When she passed we found hundreds of dollars stuck between the fine linens and clothing in her cabinets and closet and even in her shoes way back in the closets. It's a sad thing and I hope that someone can protect me the way you are doing for her. Very hard to become "the parent" It's shocking how awful people can be to try and steal from the elderly. No legitimate charity would send people to collect money. You should report them to the police and the state attorney general by registered letter immediately-they are clearly thieves. Praying for you all.
I am going through the same thing with my mother. It is very hard to change from being the child to being the parent. Your mother is not the same person you have always known. If she were she would understand. You must remember that and do what you have to do. You are doing the "right thing". She is lucky to have you.
Oh how scary is this?!? I don't think my mother has serious memory problems, but she is very generous. I think I would recommend that I take over all her finances - tell her that I will follow her wishes as to who should get money. That way you can make sure the proper charities do get some money, but in reasonable doses. I think I would also call the attorney general, or some other proper authority to report these outrageous dealings.
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